I Was in a B Rated Romance Novel

I am and I was, until today, but I had no idea how to write a better script.   Now I look back, after shifting through boyfriend’s past.  I have 20/20 after two divorces.  And for once I am looking with great appreciation at each relationship.   That is a new vista. 

I stand on a mountain top today and see all my experiences in greater depth.  I know that some people, (family and friends) were painful and I must wonder why I invited them in?  I know that some people were amazing gifts, and I let go of them too soon, or even worse, they did not get a chance.  Accidentally there were beautiful moments that fell into my lap.  How did that happen for me?   I have been both open and closed to meaningful rendezvous. 

I sit here wanting to write the perfect romance for me.  It would have to star Goldie Hawn or Susan Sarandon because I am now in my 60’s, but, I don’t think I could have written this romance as a young person.  I was too out of touch with my authentic self.  I was trying to live up to the expectations of others.  My family seemed to carve out some parts of my life by guilt and suggestion.  What did I really desire for my life, there were a few clues but it took shifting through the sands of men, jobs, and accomplishments, to figure it all out.  When you know “what” you don’t want, you will reach for a happier place to be and set sail for what you do want. 

 I was once promised golden opportunities by the Infinite Source.  I see that they all have been there, lining up for me.  I just had to believe that I deserved them.    Those who “loved me”, were mostly miserable, cut off from Source, and used me as a scapegoat. One parent committed suicide and the other one became very ill for a long time. I love them and forgive them but during my childhood and teen years could do nothing right.  It was hard to believe that I was basically good, and basically love and the essence of God lived within me.  Little by little I came to see the bright shinny places in my soul.  I could see the light in my eyes when I would smile into the mirror with a sweeping statement of self-acceptance.    There was something that flowed through me when I felt empathy and kindness for others.

 I made mistakes and bad choices and it almost seemed as though I was encouraged to make bad choices.  I could swear I was guided to do all the wrong things by others but I must have been choosing it as well.  I knew better somewhere inside. 

I was walking down the aisle, in a white gown, and it was such a horrible feeling.  I wanted to run away as fast as I could.   It wasn’t long until I understood why I wanted to run.  I looked in the mirror while I washed the blood from my broken nose, and the light was gone.  I did make a mistake and it felt like the worst self-betrayal.  My divorce would be viewed as another failure by family, so I stayed in it for a few years. One day it was crystal clear that by leaving I was saving my soul.   I was saving what was left of the human heart that I was slowly opening to know.   He did not deserve me, but who did?  Did I deserve me?  All those questions would be answered fully. 

 I am in a very uplifted and creative mood and I do not want to be the slightest bit morose here.  For that reason I would like to really dive into a SARK (like) self-made valentine.  I am creating a romance story that would have all the juicy, fun, and bright colors, according to the new me. 

These romantic movies seem to inspire me and I love poignant parts of each of them:   House Sitter, Under the Tuscan Sun, The Accidental Tourist, Penelope, Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day, While You Were Sleeping, Something Borrowed, Shallow Hal, Murphy’s Romance, and Cactus Flower.  I must say that We’re the Millers was one of the best romance movies with Jennifer Aniston for me.  I also think that Raising Helen was a good romance for Kate Hudson. It seems to go down smoother than How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (for me).  As far as on screen chemistry and sultry moments, I think my vote is with Kris Kristofferson and Cheryl Ladd, in Millennium. Everything in that movie worked. It was an amazing story line of science fiction, time travel, and romance and the icing on the cake is two very believable and sexy people cast as the leads.   

I am sure I could think of more movies.  Those are my favorites for many reasons although rotten tomatoes does not seem to rate them as I do.  Some of them are considered B movies.   On Valentine’s Day, these would be good to feast on, binge watch, or have a girl movie night and watch.  I recommend watching the lighter comedy ones with friends so no one is crying and thinking of suicide later.  Bring on the chocolate cupcakes too!  Because what you, I, the collective we, are doing is identifying what is important in our future relationships.  What would being in certain scenes of those movies feel like?   Can we imagine ourselves as the lead romantic character or heroine?  Can you imagine you, as you are, being in that film without plastic surgery, without losing weight, without being taller or shorter, without dental work, and expert make-up?  There is a benevolent director giving you brilliant words to speak and highlighting the lovable parts of you.  You are being appreciated for all that you are, without hiding, and you are safe knowing that it ends well.  In the end, be it death or divorce, we part friends, unharmed.  I am ready to buy a ticket and go see that movie right now.  Can’t wait.

One of my favorite You Tube talks is about a young female who is so desperately in love with a guy, she calls Fred.  She has turned to Esther Hicks to ask about when he will return her affection.  I am going to include the link at the bottom.  This guy “Fred” is just not that into her.  In fact, she becomes a stalker in ways and spies on him.  This is obviously not healthy.  She knocks on his door in a moment of extreme bravery and when he sees her, he is horrified.  He asks curtly “what are you doing here and how did you know where I lived?”  You can imagine her rejection.  Esther Hicks did the best ever job of easing that pain.  She told her that all the wonderful qualities she has assigned to Fred (do we ever really know anyone? Really) will be present in another person not far off in her future time line.  This person will not be in the same physical package as “Fred” but she will recognize all those qualities that she has identified in someone new.  She will be able to express, give and receive fully all those feelings that she has carried for someone who did not feel the same way about her.  So, did she gain a great deal of knowledge from knowing Fred?  She did and she could not have read that in a book. 

Here is my personal fun romance novel.  This is the quick version too.  Some guy rescues me from a train track I accidentally fall on right before the train is coming at full speed.  He is kind enough to take me to the ER where some stitches are needed for a horrible laceration. It turns out that he has never married due to a severe medical condition that he recently overcame.  I learn that he has a wonderful family, and they invite me and my son over for Christmas.   At some point, I try to sabotage this thing and I can’t, he sees through that ploy.  He seems to see the real me and of course is in sync with who I really am.  I am going to say he is in the health profession due to leaning so much to heal himself.   He is talented in helping some of my dreams come true.  Luck would have it that the very things I love and am passionate about he is also willing to embrace.  I think this guy might be Patch Adams (LOL, no because I think he is not available). When we are together it feels like home and I really do like his home as well.  We bring out the best in each other.  There is phenomenal trust.  If he is not with me, I am not worried or jealous and he is the same when I am with other people.  We have many friends and an active social life.  I believe we are part of a creative group of spiritual and humanitarian people.  We have a good base for our relationship.  We have family, friends, and community.   Perhaps we could meet a better way, like in the movie Man Up with Simon Pegg and Lake Bell. We are each carrying a copy of the Vortex by Abraham Hicks, and someone otherworldly and mystical has set up a blind date for us.  Then I am not creating the laceration and need to be rescued.  I think that would be better and maybe I have a magical typewriter like Delirious with the late great John Candy.  Everything I write just comes true. Wouldn't that be amazing.  

I am thinking; get going with this and hope that others will think of things that belong in their own Romantic Play.  Timeline for me:  not sure but I hope prior to Christmas.