Chapter 15: Opening That Closed Door. About My Near-Death Experience

 God: Nancy you closed the door.

 ME:  I did?  How?

After about 70 years of life, many answers have shown up and of course I want to share them.  Near Death Experiences happen to millions or billons of people.  I don’t even feel special about having a NDE and yet it was a big event for me.  It was life changing. My title says more about my NDE because many of the questions I have about God and my conversation with God have evolved over time.  I have written before about my experience and I apologize to those who might be saying “oh, no, she is not going to tell this again”.  I am telling parts of it again with a twist.

I was listening to a new personality on You Tube.  His name is Phil Good.  I was so impressed with the depth of his presentation.  I have been listening to other channelers and I am grateful to them all.  Phil is channeling but he does not change personalities and speak differently.  He remains conscious and complete in his discussion.  Phil was speaking of the Ego getting in our way.  His discussion was about tuning into the higher resonance and letting it steer your course.  We all have an internal GPS system.

Phil said that it is our ego that gets in the way and closes the door to God. It has taken me forever to realize that is what closes the door. It doesn’t matter if someone claims to be an atheist.  Most atheist think that they are more intelligent than their faith believer friends.  Before we knew the words God and Atheist, we were aware of our magnificent all-knowing parent at our birth.  Then religion showed up in our lives. God sat on a throne and looked a certain way and only let some people of a certain religion into heaven.  Another version is that God is the basic intelligence behind all life and is out in space observing the results of the big bang as it unfolds.  Another version is that God is Mother Earth and takes on a female form during deity worship.  So many disagreements occur over who is right.  There are so many versions, and they may all have some of the essence of God.  

After my NDE I believe the light I saw in all things is Source and yet He/She/It is as close and intimate as your lover. He is as proud as the Scottish Grandfather or Seanair and as huggable as the Grandmother Earth. They grin from ear to ear like a Cheshire Cat when you get it right and things are going well.  They laugh like the thunder of Indra when you are in on the joke.  God has many names and many hats.  So relax and know that whether or not you believe it, That ancient love of you exists.

There is a blog I wrote called Snap Shots of God.  I cover more about the concepts of God there.  

Going back to Phil Good. He said that we are not here to merely survive but to have an exceptional life.  I could not agree more.  Through emotions we navigate life.  Emotions are energetic manifestation that lead us to those steps that will reveal our next higher self. Imagine a shellfish that keeps growing and expanding and sloughing off old shells. There is a challenge to become emotionally intelligent.  Many people try to avoid emotions all together.  Some emotions are uncomfortable.  With emotional realization you can reclaim the you that you got cut off from.  Emotions will be another chapter so not to worry.  I will cover this thoroughly.  I love emotions.

The Elevator Story of My NDE.  Just so you know, an elevator story is a short version of a critical event in your life.  It should only take a few moments to tell a stranger on the elevator the story before you must get off on your floor.  

About 40 years ago I had a D and C surgical procedure.  It is a minor surgery, so I was not worried.  When anesthesia is administered any number of things can go wrong.  There are variables with how our bodies respond to anesthesia.   I was not coming back to my body in the recovery room.  I could here the nurse calling my name and I just wanted to tell her to quit calling my name.  I was having a very important conversation with God.  I was telling God that I did not want to come back to my life and I was quite upset.  I had found joy, freedom, and unconditional love in the arms of Source.  I recognized God’s voice and I was reunited with a long lost loved one.  It felt very harsh to have to return to my body and present life.  I was a wife and a parent, and my duty would be to return and care for my loved ones. That would seem obvious, but it was not obvious.  I had been living my life on empty and the love I offered was not a full-bodied love.  The life I was living was the life of a prisoner of war with little hope of finding freedom.  Those who knew me back then would probably agree.  I was not the one you would want to invite to a party.  I lived in a dysthymic state of existence.  So I did go back, but was there free will in returning to this now Nancy existence?

 God was able to convince me that I would prefer this.  My soul contract would benefit greatly by returning.   I was told that this life was a gift and a golden opportunity for me.  To Segway: That was the problem with suicide.  I was not committing suicide but indirectly I was committing suicide.  Many people carelessly do not honor their bodies.  They smoke and drink and eat bad processed food.   They seem to welcome getting to the end and being able to say goodbye to an unsatisfactory life.   I lived life according to the terms and conditions of others.  They are not creating their lives but accepting and settling for what selfish other’s have deemed correct and even appropriate. (Just look at that evil person Meghan Markle) It is a shallow and watered-down existence that others convince you of living.  I had so much to be grateful for.  We had a new home with a lovely back yard for the boys.   The boys were healthy and beautiful, and I was healthy and beautiful.   I will include a real picture.  My youngest was about a year old.

I am in the middle with the red turtleneck on and my very handsome husband is holding our two boys.  The others are friends who were seeing us off to Scotland.  How many blessings does one girl need?  I was lucky.  

Here is another picture of me and Zak.  Below.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.   I see us all as gorgeous and yet, it was effortless and not appreciated.  We were gifted with a golden opportunity. In a blinking of an eye it vanished.  I am growing older. I have that 20/20 eyesight. Today would mark the 40 years it took to see this better.  I return from my commentary to this day 40 years ago.

Back to the day of this NDE and the nurse who is still relentlessly calling my name and I am trying to not listen.  I am still speaking with God and doing my best sells pitch to remain in heaven with My Father/Mother All That Is.  Nothing else even come close to mattering.  Just look at those little boys. That should and would do it, right?  I remember saying to God, “I don’t want to leave you”.  With that God replied, But I am there (on earth) with you.  I am there too and all you need to do is ask for me.  God continued, I was always with you, Nancy.  You are the one who closed the door between us.

With that comment I returned to the recovery room.  The nurse was glowing. She had a halo.  I mentioned how lovely she looked.  She seemed to be having an awkward moment accepting that.  She was gorgeous just standing there without makeup in a surgical gown.  I felt like a starving artist that just had been treated to a Thanksgiving dinner with pecan pie for dessert.  I was full to the brim with love and appreciation.

That feeling lasted for about another week.  All my houseplants had halos, and everyone seem so incredible.  I had the gift of seeing the inner being or authentic self of all other people. That authentic self was better than whipped cream. Yummy.  I saw the light of God in all living things. 

Some of that honeymoon feeling wore off. I returned to everyday life, and I also returned to some not good habits of thought. Someone would be unkind or insulting to me and I would fall to the frequency of old patterns and old realizations.  The climb towards awareness is like building a stone road up a hill.  You can’t jump ahead but God does give us encouragement.  Sometimes terrible things would happen. I would start to go into a deep depression and then remember that God had made a promise to me.  All I needed to do was ask for help.   I found that help would always show up.  It seems that I could fret and wonder and then, it was there.   It was obvious that I needed a bit of patience and faith. 

 I started reading the NDE’s of others. I wanted to remember that feeling once again. Some NDE’s left me uninspired, and others brought back the amazing experience that is so hard to describe. Many experiencers mentioned having a feeling of home sickness. That is this feeling that earth is like summer camp.  We have something to learn or accomplish and we also are here to enjoy life and create memories.  Then we return to our real home.  Many experiencers mentioned they no longer were afraid of death.  That is also true for me. My bags are packed, and I am ready to go. I am trying to meditate every day.  Reconnecting with that love and joy is important to living the life I would like to be living.  Someone once said, “you don’t have to die to go to heaven and you don’t have to die to be in hell”.  Both of those places are not determined by circumstances but by perception.  They are states of mind.  To be in heaven you only need to open your heart to that Power that Creates Worlds.  Partner up with the Creator.

Just to sum up what Phil Good was saying:  Ego is the attention we have for those sparkly things in life.  Each day is full of those things that grab our attention.  Ego is listening to those harmful messages that are all about judgement.   We are either putting ourselves up or down compared to someone else.  There will always be comparisons.  Others are taller, shorter, rounder, thinner, smarter, dumber, less educated, less satisfied with their love life or more satisfied.  There is a very long list with comparisons. We are so distracted with things that just don’t matter.   To make it more personal: I was dysthymic most of the time.  All I needed was to connect with my Higher Self and have unconditional love for myself and others.  That one sentence seems easy but getting past the ego takes a great deal of focus.