As a kid I used to use
extreme stealth when coming in the door from school. I turned invisible. I made it to my room most afternoons and hid
under my bed. I did not wake the
sleeping dragon. Usually this would work,
and my dad would be home by 6 pm. Some
days it was not safe to emerge if my parents were fighting. Some days dinner was not a safe time
either. A plate of spaghetti might miss
my head as it flew and hit the wall.
Those were the nights that I might have a bronchial attack and have to
go to the hospital. My pediatrician was very nice. He would ask the nurses to comb my hair and
pin it back. He could see into my
soul. I just kept working on being more invisible
and I did not have a real self.
There are times I still
hide and pretend to be someone else.
This is actually a joyful piece.
I overcame a hurdle today. I felt
queasy as I listened to a tape recording of myself. I was being asked some very challenging
questions by a judge. My whole personality shrunk into a wispy thing. I was struggling and stuttering and quite
pathetic. Then something magical
happened I opened and said, I have a mental health diagnosis. I had a very traumatic childhood. Sometimes
it is hard to explain to others what made me do something or what I was
thinking at that time.
The only thing is
this: I said it to myself, and the
recording was several years ago. It was
still a profound experience. I was so clear
and unapologetic. I was full of self-appreciation. I fully forgave myself and gave myself a hero’s
badge for living through all those tough years.
And most of all I was being my own advocate.
Bashar, channeled by Darryl Anka, has a
story to illustrate what I went through today.
He calls it the rubber band effect. When you put a rubber band around your
wrist and pull it back to the maximum stretch, and let it go…ouch. That impact could be also like a slingshot or
wrist rocket. The release will travel much
further into the light from the darkness.
I did that. I slung myself into
the bright and knowing part of me. In
the contrast I could see the powerless me and the Huge me calling all the
shots.
Lately I have been unable
to blog feeling timid about my upcoming trial.
After today I know I can face the others and tell my truth. That is quite a victory. I will keep you all posted.
Nancy age five
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