Several Broken Systems. Schizoaffective Disorder, Felonies, And Finding the Answers.

 

Part one of a monstrous tale of several broken systems designed to cause suffering.  

The broken criminal justice system is so terrible but I might just survive it. I have been charged with three felonies and supposedly I owe the state of Arizona 78,000 dollars.  I had Covid twice this year, 2021.  It has been a tough year and I was feeling better when I got the summons to appear in court. 

My son has schizoaffective disorder, and he was diagnosed when he was 17 years old. He is now a middle-aged adult.  We remember receiving two checks every month for disability.   Then in 2012 there was a review of his disability case.

Just sit right back and I will tell a tale about the Mental Health System and how it doesn't work and never did.  It is a long story, but a judge decided unfavorably against continuing payments.  Schizoaffective disorder does not have a cure or a magic pill.   The prognosis in not good.  This did not prevent this adjudication judge from deciding that my son was good enough and could work.  This judgement was appealed and then remanded back to the judge.  Church Falls Headquarters also stated that my son should resume getting his disability payments.  Another judge heard this case and decided that if my son would be consistent with his medication, he could find suitable employment.  The judge was not a doctor, but he was allowed to weigh in with expert medical advice.  In 2014 my son decided to take his own life and was on life support for 2 weeks.  He felt the judge should have heard him and believed him.  He had no money and hated to continually ask me for some cash.  He felt like the lowest of the low without a job or money of his own, and he was an adult.   My son is doing great now.  It took me wising up and being aggressive with the mental health system.

It happens all the time. The disfunction of the mental health system is growing daily.  There is a book called Mad in America by Robert Whitaker and it is a must read for families with loved ones in the horrible and ineffective mental health system. It should be a must read in college especially for social workers and psychologists.  In the book Mad in America Robert tells wonderful stories of the Mentally Ill recovering and receiving good food and being treated with kindness.  The first home for curing mentally ill patients started in America and was successful.  Then there seemed to be a push to eliminate the mentally ill.  Starving, beating, and lobotomies were the new reality. The Nazi's gassed the mentally ill as well had those with deformities and handicaps.  The idea of eugenics was coming back to America and the most horrible situations developed during the great depression.   The USA Banks were robust and thriving before 1913.  The Federal Reserve took over and they were a group of bankers from Europe.  They caused a crash and great poverty happened.  My Mom lived through that time.  The school system was better for her and my aunt that it is now.  I don't think Eugenics ever left us.  Kids and Families were devalued.  Some groups of people were devalued.  And the creation of Big Pharma and the side effects of medication spread to the area of psychiatry.   For the next century the message was to take your medication and shut up about the side effects.  But the side effects are killing your brain and if you try and stop them, especially abruptly, you will become unstable and probably try to kill yourself.  There are other therapies, but, you won't hear about them, and your loved ones will not receive them. Like I said,  get the whole story,  read Mad in America,  and read it quick. That is my earnest suggestion.  

The disaster of the medical health system is next on the list of nightmares. During the upheaval with my son’s case and the lack of money we were experiencing, I started passing out and hitting the ground.  I would wake up convulsing and shaking.  I had no medical insurance, but I knew that the ER would see me no matter what.   The ER or Emergency Hospital could not decide how to treat me for this condition.  The problem was in the tests used.   Standard blood tests did not test for toxic black mold or Stachybotrys chartarum.  Most environmental toxins are not tested for in the emergency room.  I was close to death.  I could not continue working and my son’s money stopped. I was using up the little bit of savings I had.  Curious and observant me, I noticed that black mold was sprouting in the cracks of my damp bedroom wall.  I write about this in a blog I called Surviving Black mold.   I had just enough money to grab what I could and drive back to Phoenix to stay with a friend on her couch.  I drank green smoothies.  I did get better.  It took several years but I survived.  Many people don’t survive.  I ran across an article that said Brittany Murphy and her husband died due to Stachybotrys chartarum.  Louis Gossett Jr said that he almost died from toxic black mold in his Beverly Hills home.  Veterinarians find that pets die from toxic mold.  Toxic Mold is a killer.  I just don’t remember the older relatives mentioning it taking lives 100 years ago.  It is associated with “sick buildings” Bad construction materials and poor enforcement of laws that serves humans.  It is a sign of the times.  

I have been speaking about broken systems. The amount of disability income has not gone up very much in the past 20 years.  In Phoenix a two bed room apartment is about 1200 dollars.  The monthly amount of disability is now at 750 to 800.  Single moms cannot afford to live.   They are doing unspeakable things sometimes to survive.  Sometimes families are doubling up and grandparents raise the kids.  What happens when there is no family.  Either they just don't exist or they refuse to help?  We had a little bit of both scenarios.    

My son needed a stable environment to survive his increasing stress.  Schizoaffective disordered people need structure and stability to endure and cope and not be hospitalized.   I would work for a few months.  Usually, I worked part time and then I would become very ill and have to quit.  I had another social security number and used that one to start getting early retirement.  It all looks like I had devised a fraudulent scheme but it was not working for me and it was not a get rich quick scheme.  My only goal was to stay alive and help my son not go into a manic psychotic episode. Sometimes he just had conversations with invisible people. He would string up Christmas Tree lights all over his room and he believed it was a communication devise. Sometimes it was more serious and life threatening. My son would become so removed from reality he would venture out of the home and be gone for days.  One time he took the only car we had and drove it until it ran out of gas. He did not have a phone or a wallet.  He was walking toward the Grand Canyon when a policeman found him.  He said his friend (imaginary) told him a space ship would pick him up in the Grand Canyon.  Another lost adventure kept me praying for days.  His brother found him walking backwards in a track field.  He was just exhausted and dehydrated.  There are more stories, however some of the stories embarrass my son when he is back to his baseline.  He realizes now that he needs some back up plans to survive.  There are times that he has given his wallet away to strangers.  All of his I.D.s are then missing.  That is the worst part of Schizoaffective disorder diagnosed people. 

There is a fantastic story called “Fancy Toast and a Coffee Shop Called Trouble”.  The owner of the coffee shop suffered from schizoaffective disorder.  She would often get lost and did not know who she was.  I believe she had her name and address tattooed on her arm.   Click here for the location and back story of her shop.  Trouble Coffee Shop. 

The Legal System is a joke.  

It would be hard to win my legal case but the public defender is angry that I will not settle for the plea bargain.  Before this year I never had anything on my record.  There were no convictions.  Not even a traffic ticket for speeding.  But overnight a big mistake happened.  The investigation had many errors in it.  

Going back to the black mold and when one is dying, I reapplied for disability but they kept denying my case.  I wanted to live for my sake, my son’s sake and all the people I care abouts sake. I had another Social Security number It was obtained in 1987 when I was escaping a man who tried to kill me.  I did escape and I remained in Flagstaff where I decided to go back to college.  Usually I would use which ever of the two cards had the best credit score.   Having two Social Security numbers is not illegal.  It depends on how you use them and for what purpose.  I had a son who was hospitalized and I used my second card to apply for early retirement.  It is a messy and complicated story.  It went unnoticed until I mentioned it to our social security office.  I wanted to straighten up this mess.  That is when I ran into huge obstacles.  Someone has to be a criminal or a felon.  The system demands that you can't have been in a situation where you were dying and totally had to do something about it.  That is so wrong.  

I have met the right attorney and I believe my case is winnable and better yet dismissible.  This will become another one of those stories and life will go on.  

There will be a part two of this story.    I am going to be encouraging people to elevate and change some systems.  I have chosen the mental health system to work on.  It seems like NAMI used to be a force to reckon with.  They were powerful at one time.  I think they may have become co-opted.  Anyway.  

More to come. 

 

Chapter 19: Why Are We Here?

 

  

There are existential questions that everyone asks once they are at an age of reasoning.  Kids do sometimes think about these types of questions too.  Kids also ponder higher order questions all the time. Zak was a depressed 7-year-old.  My son was remembering dying in a war.  He felt that life was short and meaningless and that he would be dying once again when he reached adulthood.  That was his cognition about life.  It was all pointless.  I am the mom, and I was surprised to hear this belief of his.  I am glad he shared because then we could start to confront these beliefs and create a new reality.  That is called cognitive restructuring.  Sounds so fancy for a very simple construct or concept. 

It is human to have questions.  Why are we here? 

I decided to take a crack at it.  Why not?  There are drips and drabs of this basic inquiry in past blogs.  I just never hit it head on. 

 The humanist psychologists were asking all the right questions.  Maslow started looking at highly successful people and then asked them what motivated them. What makes people happy?  It seems the pursuit of happiness is part of our purpose.

  Carl Rogers was also a humanist psychologist.  He looked at humans as having an internal map of guidance.  We are not born a blank slate that someone must mold.  I worked as a play therapist at an elementary school.  Kids had preferences and goals already in place. Children do experience frustration at being forced to do those things that do not appeal to them.  Adults feel that as well.  So how did our consciousness already exist within the very small humans I worked with?  

The behaviorists were more about molding human behavior.  Unfortunately, they did not consider other strong human motivators.  For instance: I like eating breakfast and I feel more energetic when I do.  I am listening to my body and avoiding the consequence of hunger.  Behaviorists work with using consequences or punishments as a way of changing behaviors.  I would totally ignore breakfast if a loved one was having an emergency.  My son woke me up at 5 AM stating that he had swallowed a whole bottle of pills and now regretted it.  Without coffee or even dressing better we headed to the emergency room.  I am not a morning person.  The behaviorists did not think of higher motivations that take precedents over other needs. 

                                  Beck and the Dali Lama
  

Cognitions or beliefs were the stimulus of behavior according to Aaron Beck.  If someone believes everyone is out to get them, they probably stay home quite a bit.  I was reading that Beck is still alive.  This famous psychologist is 100 years old so he must be doing something right. Beck gave the psychology field many ways of measuring depression and suicide.  No other tests have replaced the Beck inventories.

  Since Freud was looking at pathology or what is “wrong” with the patient, the humanists were saying what is going right?  So, all these men were trying to study humans and bring forth a common language that will define our motives and behavior.

Maslow was defining why someone would be a starving artist? Ah, and he would say they have ignored the basic need for food to learn and express and evolve.  Starving artists are expressing the need for self-actualization.  He also felt that expressing the creative and humoristic sides of language demonstrate the pinnacle of self-awareness.  Abe Maslow is known as the creator of the hierarchy of needs.  Needs can jump around and not stay in a certain order. Some needs give way to other urgent situations.  

It is wonderful that some of our greatest minds have tried to answer this existential question.  I don’t have to start from scratch.  Psychology has done a great job of creating language.  That separates the novice from the expert.  The language. 

Concepts have existed since man started developing religion, community, healing rituals, the study of astronomy and geography, and many other endeavors like building castles. Geography is significant when deciding where the edge of the earth is.  Then Columbus “discovered” America. That continent was always there and inhabited by humans, so Columbus did not really discover it.   Concepts like the afterlife were especially significant too.  Whether it is the contents of the Egyptian Book of the Dead, or the Three fates and the river Styx, what happens after one is dead, is very important. There are many ideas about what happens.  Now we have near death experiences.  Medicine has been able to rescue people from the river Styx and they live to talk about it.  Death might not be the spooky subject it was to our ancestors.  IANDS has done surveys that suggest 15% of adults have experienced near death and had experiences to share about this subject.  There was Lazarus whom Jesus raised from the dead.  That was a huge event, and it did convince many of the Jewish people that Jesus was the Messiah. Lazarus might have seen the tunnel and deceased loved ones, but he is not reported with saying anything about it. 

 

If we are asking about this life and its purpose, then to me it seems that those with near death experiences are in a unique position to answer some questions.   From what they say, there is a life review for everyone.   The review is kinder than “judgement”.   From all the experiences in one’s life, some were critical and taught the life reviewer a profound lesson.   It seems that we live on earth to learn certain things. Each evaluated experience is unique to the experiencer.  Edgar Cayce reviewed lifetimes and would say, they gained this much awareness and they depreciated in some ways too.  It reads somewhat like they gained two steps and took one back. 

There is an excellent book by Cayce https://www.amazon.com/Edgar-Cayce-Meaning-Life-About-ebook/dp/B07L7GF3HH and I am reading that one right now.

I have read a thousand near death experiences and I am never bored with the accounts.  I have noticed that when being reviewed, the experiences of great significance were those of human love relationships.  Love of parents, children, siblings, and spouses as well as good friends all hold poignant realizations in the review.  It is said that some of the accolades, plaques, and certificates hold very little value in a life review.  If nothing else, it seems that the afterlife stories show us what was important and worth celebrating about our adventures in the earth realm.   Simply stated it appears we were learning about love of all types.  In the end, it was a deeper grasp of love that we took with us beyond the grave or river Styx.  This is the treasure that is incorruptible.

Why are we here seems to hint at life purpose?  Our purpose might also exalt a group of people.  Humans have always done better in tribes or villages.  Jane Roberts and other psychic channelers seem to indicate that there are soul groups.   I have a dream of a very happy lifetime as an Islander.   I visited Maui and was almost unable to leave.  I also visited a castle ruin in Scotland and could not bare myself to leave.  As an islander, I remember knowing the concept of family and being a part of something larger than myself.   Now in these days it seems that we are unconcerned about the welfare of others.  Not all of us but there are many out there who have narcistic tendencies.  Let me just say that perhaps all the extended family on my island were my soul group.  As we expired and sloughed off our earth body, we had to make the decision. Collectively there was a decision to expand and live elsewhere or come back as the “Great Grandmother” guide for our village.  It is now apparent to me that many of my soul group are not on earth or even in this solar system at the same time I am.  There is the ever-expanding consciousness of the entire group to consider.  In this concept it is not just “why am I here” but why is my group here”.   This is where another concept begins. 

Evolving consciousness of our planet and our solar system.  This is where I recommend Neale Walsh’s trilogy “Conversations with God”.  God is experiencing life and growing through us.  Neale speaks of highly advanced societies.  They might not be from earth, but some are.  We seem primitive and backwards to some of the neighbors in this galaxy and beyond.  Some ETs are like family and some are not as each group has its own agenda.  There is a whole new study in exopolitics for us the humans.  How do we treat other cultures and advanced societies?  Now there is an intersection between (why are we here), and who is coming to dinner. 

As this question seems to naturally expand, I remember watching a video on Gaia TV Called the Café at the End of the Universe with Jerry Wills https://www.gaia.com/share/cksxx4ed800nk0ipacvd1eh9j?language[]=en&utm_source=share I can share a limited amount of material from that site.  It is worth joining.  In the café Jerry is able to have big discussions with ETs from all over.  These beings gather on occasion to share knowledge.  There is a built-in ability to communicate by way of telepathic means.

This discussion on why we are here grows and has no real end.  Dr. Peebles, a disincarnate guide, once said that your purpose can grow and be whatever you like.   Michelle Pfeiffer once said, she was just trying to be the best cashier she could be when she was discovered.  As doors opened to better more challenging movie parts, she continued to expand and grow in her purpose and her craft.  Donald Trump just wanted to build the best skyscraper in New York, and he kept taking steps towards bigger realizations.  Saint Francis of Assisi probably never thought as a young man he would become a saint. It has been said that all the roads you choose lead to the path you were meant to walk.  Abraham/Hicks has said, just wait for inspiration to take the next step or journey.   It seems to be a day to day unfolding and journey we take with us beyond this physical lifetime.  This question of why we are here just keeps on growing with you.  It should be a fun ever expanding learning of things.  

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 28: Blue Kaku Two

 

As a child I had a stuffed blue bunny, and he knew everything. He talked me to sleep and was a great comfort.  Both my kids had encounters with childlike dwarf beings.  Star Boy and Blue Dwarfs would park on the roof much like Santa Clause.  They would turn on all the toys at once, the T.V. as well as the Fisher-Price turn table. I will clarify that we did not touch these toys. There was some sort of magnetic energy present that did turn all these battery operated and AC/DC operated devices on.  

These beings would put on little dances and plays for Zak. I know this because Zak told me about it when he was 4 years old. Our home was like Grand Central Station for the paranormal.  There was no shortage of variety and types of visitors,  We had departed president’s visit our smallish two-bedroom apartment: Mainly, Abraham Lincoln, JFK, Theodor Roosevelt, and John Quincy Adams.  We had Native Americans, Red Arrow and White Buffalo and their tribe members who entertained us with drumming circles.  We had Great Grandparents and I believe we also had Abe’s mother, Nancy Lincoln at times.  St. Francis being was oft present and Famous comedians too. Many of these spirits or energies would show up and leave without saying a word to me.  They seemed to be checking in on me and the kids.  Coming home one night we saw a blue light on our second story roof, and it was a signal that there were ET beings awaiting us.  I don't want to repeat past stories so I will share some links.   

Omg I have several blogs about ET’s and my favorite is https://angelbell444.blogspot.com/2018/09/chapter-four-sps-co-existence-melinda.html and please do read it.  Coexistence is all about becoming more conscious.  Our universe is expanding, and it is time to meet the neighbors.  That means becoming much more psychic. I had an experience yesterday where I was able to speak several different languages. I would see a book open with the vocabulary I needed to create meaningful dialogue with others. The best teachers of communication skills would be the little blue dwarfs.   They remind me of the Ewoks; But not exactly because they have blue leather skin.  Whitley Strieber has them wearing hoods.  They do walk like Ewoks, and they have so many skills that I would miss a hundred if I tried to list them all.  They have amazing healing ability, and I am sure that is why both Zak and I still exist. 

Blue Kaku Healing went something like this.

I did feel guided to eat a certain way.  I have done some other chapters dealing with healing remedies.  I like Dr. Wallach’s products and of course Edgar Cayce Remedies.  After barely surviving the toxic black mold in my home (2012 Sedona) I had serious issues and developed type 2 diabetes.  The blue dwarf people showed up when I was on deaths door and saved me.  I was staying with a friend, and they also woke her up and said that they would heal her too.  They have healing methods that seem to be frequency adjusters.  If I get run down, I remember to drink those green drinks my friend made.  Healing is all about energy.  Remember how Jesus healed people?  He could change their energy to quickly balance the disease.  I have had energy work done but the root of my problem was the trauma in my childhood. If I was holding on to past trauma the shift in energy would not suffice. I had to correct those patterns of thought. It is better that I do not stay in that memory. I would feel weak in that state of mind.   I had to learn to allow a greater current of energy to run through me.  Trauma tends to shut down the self-healing that we all need.   When I counsel people, I look for beliefs that would keep them stuck in poor mental and physical health. I see that belief and then go right to work changing it. 

Both mental and physical health require knowing that you are a child of God.  There is free will and we must be asking for help when we need it.  Recently, I have been asking God for healing in the mornings before I get up.  It makes a world of difference. The problem for me is keeping that level of energy as the day goes by.  So now there is a new device for me.  I do mindfulness check ins.  I might notice some energy bleeding.  It is just like having blood coming out of a cut on your body.  If I have been injured in word or deed I ask to repair immediately.  Repairing takes a great deal of focus for me.  I am changing a belief and I am changing the energy.  Each time I do this work, I become more resilient.  My little Blue Friend was named Blue Kaku by me.  I am sure his type has a name but I am not at all sure what it is.  

Blue Kaku knows how to party.  Having friends over is just what the doctor ordered sometimes.  I find it hard to believe that some people do not know how to have fun without substances.   Good food and friends are all that is required. When we were broke it would be popcorn and Kool-Aid.  Well, now they say Kool-Aid is not healthy.   There are other drinks like iced tea with lemon that would be better. Inexpensive parties can happen on a dime and with a little magic. Board games and card games can happen easily enough.   Get some cheap thrills by sitting  in a circle and pass stories.  That was our favorite thing ever.  You might need an oven timer or just have someone watch the clock.  Each person gets to talk for 3 minutes before passing the story to the next person.  These stories would turn out to be silly, adventurous, fanciful, and sure to produce some giggles.  It is fun to have a prize for the best storyteller. The Blue Kaku would never have a day go by without giggles.  Laughter is the best medicine. 

Zak and I are down to just us two.  Each morning we have coffee chat.  Zak will share dreams sometimes and I try to share news stories or a recap of something I read.  Good book reports work.  Today Zak shared about Blue Kaku showing up as a dwarf in silver.  Apparently, he kept shape shifting.   Zak used to create stories and just send them out on the internet.  He wrote one about Konda.  Konda was a reptilian who wore a purple hooded robe.  He was a peaceful reptilian and was a priest.  We discovered that someone had drawn a picture of him and that was a great moment.  We knew that he existed, and others knew that he existed as well.  Let me see If I can find that picture.

Good Artist.  He has that ridge down the middle of his head. 

I have a blog about the blue dwarf my son saw at age 7. 

https://angelbell444.blogspot.com/2012/10/touched-by-dwarf-blue-alien.html

I found the following photo of a blue dwarf alien.  This one is probably someone dressed up as a blue dwarf alien.  There are others if I can find them. 

We credit these beings with being there in a good way for our family. 

Chapter 15: Opening That Closed Door. About My Near-Death Experience

 God: Nancy you closed the door.

 ME:  I did?  How?

After about 70 years of life, many answers have shown up and of course I want to share them.  Near Death Experiences happen to millions or billons of people.  I don’t even feel special about having a NDE and yet it was a big event for me.  It was life changing. My title says more about my NDE because many of the questions I have about God and my conversation with God have evolved over time.  I have written before about my experience and I apologize to those who might be saying “oh, no, she is not going to tell this again”.  I am telling parts of it again with a twist.

I was listening to a new personality on You Tube.  His name is Phil Good.  I was so impressed with the depth of his presentation.  I have been listening to other channelers and I am grateful to them all.  Phil is channeling but he does not change personalities and speak differently.  He remains conscious and complete in his discussion.  Phil was speaking of the Ego getting in our way.  His discussion was about tuning into the higher resonance and letting it steer your course.  We all have an internal GPS system.

Phil said that it is our ego that gets in the way and closes the door to God. It has taken me forever to realize that is what closes the door. It doesn’t matter if someone claims to be an atheist.  Most atheist think that they are more intelligent than their faith believer friends.  Before we knew the words God and Atheist, we were aware of our magnificent all-knowing parent at our birth.  Then religion showed up in our lives. God sat on a throne and looked a certain way and only let some people of a certain religion into heaven.  Another version is that God is the basic intelligence behind all life and is out in space observing the results of the big bang as it unfolds.  Another version is that God is Mother Earth and takes on a female form during deity worship.  So many disagreements occur over who is right.  There are so many versions, and they may all have some of the essence of God.  

After my NDE I believe the light I saw in all things is Source and yet He/She/It is as close and intimate as your lover. He is as proud as the Scottish Grandfather or Seanair and as huggable as the Grandmother Earth. They grin from ear to ear like a Cheshire Cat when you get it right and things are going well.  They laugh like the thunder of Indra when you are in on the joke.  God has many names and many hats.  So relax and know that whether or not you believe it, That ancient love of you exists.

There is a blog I wrote called Snap Shots of God.  I cover more about the concepts of God there.  

Going back to Phil Good. He said that we are not here to merely survive but to have an exceptional life.  I could not agree more.  Through emotions we navigate life.  Emotions are energetic manifestation that lead us to those steps that will reveal our next higher self. Imagine a shellfish that keeps growing and expanding and sloughing off old shells. There is a challenge to become emotionally intelligent.  Many people try to avoid emotions all together.  Some emotions are uncomfortable.  With emotional realization you can reclaim the you that you got cut off from.  Emotions will be another chapter so not to worry.  I will cover this thoroughly.  I love emotions.

The Elevator Story of My NDE.  Just so you know, an elevator story is a short version of a critical event in your life.  It should only take a few moments to tell a stranger on the elevator the story before you must get off on your floor.  

About 40 years ago I had a D and C surgical procedure.  It is a minor surgery, so I was not worried.  When anesthesia is administered any number of things can go wrong.  There are variables with how our bodies respond to anesthesia.   I was not coming back to my body in the recovery room.  I could here the nurse calling my name and I just wanted to tell her to quit calling my name.  I was having a very important conversation with God.  I was telling God that I did not want to come back to my life and I was quite upset.  I had found joy, freedom, and unconditional love in the arms of Source.  I recognized God’s voice and I was reunited with a long lost loved one.  It felt very harsh to have to return to my body and present life.  I was a wife and a parent, and my duty would be to return and care for my loved ones. That would seem obvious, but it was not obvious.  I had been living my life on empty and the love I offered was not a full-bodied love.  The life I was living was the life of a prisoner of war with little hope of finding freedom.  Those who knew me back then would probably agree.  I was not the one you would want to invite to a party.  I lived in a dysthymic state of existence.  So I did go back, but was there free will in returning to this now Nancy existence?

 God was able to convince me that I would prefer this.  My soul contract would benefit greatly by returning.   I was told that this life was a gift and a golden opportunity for me.  To Segway: That was the problem with suicide.  I was not committing suicide but indirectly I was committing suicide.  Many people carelessly do not honor their bodies.  They smoke and drink and eat bad processed food.   They seem to welcome getting to the end and being able to say goodbye to an unsatisfactory life.   I lived life according to the terms and conditions of others.  They are not creating their lives but accepting and settling for what selfish other’s have deemed correct and even appropriate. (Just look at that evil person Meghan Markle) It is a shallow and watered-down existence that others convince you of living.  I had so much to be grateful for.  We had a new home with a lovely back yard for the boys.   The boys were healthy and beautiful, and I was healthy and beautiful.   I will include a real picture.  My youngest was about a year old.

I am in the middle with the red turtleneck on and my very handsome husband is holding our two boys.  The others are friends who were seeing us off to Scotland.  How many blessings does one girl need?  I was lucky.  

Here is another picture of me and Zak.  Below.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.   I see us all as gorgeous and yet, it was effortless and not appreciated.  We were gifted with a golden opportunity. In a blinking of an eye it vanished.  I am growing older. I have that 20/20 eyesight. Today would mark the 40 years it took to see this better.  I return from my commentary to this day 40 years ago.

Back to the day of this NDE and the nurse who is still relentlessly calling my name and I am trying to not listen.  I am still speaking with God and doing my best sells pitch to remain in heaven with My Father/Mother All That Is.  Nothing else even come close to mattering.  Just look at those little boys. That should and would do it, right?  I remember saying to God, “I don’t want to leave you”.  With that God replied, But I am there (on earth) with you.  I am there too and all you need to do is ask for me.  God continued, I was always with you, Nancy.  You are the one who closed the door between us.

With that comment I returned to the recovery room.  The nurse was glowing. She had a halo.  I mentioned how lovely she looked.  She seemed to be having an awkward moment accepting that.  She was gorgeous just standing there without makeup in a surgical gown.  I felt like a starving artist that just had been treated to a Thanksgiving dinner with pecan pie for dessert.  I was full to the brim with love and appreciation.

That feeling lasted for about another week.  All my houseplants had halos, and everyone seem so incredible.  I had the gift of seeing the inner being or authentic self of all other people. That authentic self was better than whipped cream. Yummy.  I saw the light of God in all living things. 

Some of that honeymoon feeling wore off. I returned to everyday life, and I also returned to some not good habits of thought. Someone would be unkind or insulting to me and I would fall to the frequency of old patterns and old realizations.  The climb towards awareness is like building a stone road up a hill.  You can’t jump ahead but God does give us encouragement.  Sometimes terrible things would happen. I would start to go into a deep depression and then remember that God had made a promise to me.  All I needed to do was ask for help.   I found that help would always show up.  It seems that I could fret and wonder and then, it was there.   It was obvious that I needed a bit of patience and faith. 

 I started reading the NDE’s of others. I wanted to remember that feeling once again. Some NDE’s left me uninspired, and others brought back the amazing experience that is so hard to describe. Many experiencers mentioned having a feeling of home sickness. That is this feeling that earth is like summer camp.  We have something to learn or accomplish and we also are here to enjoy life and create memories.  Then we return to our real home.  Many experiencers mentioned they no longer were afraid of death.  That is also true for me. My bags are packed, and I am ready to go. I am trying to meditate every day.  Reconnecting with that love and joy is important to living the life I would like to be living.  Someone once said, “you don’t have to die to go to heaven and you don’t have to die to be in hell”.  Both of those places are not determined by circumstances but by perception.  They are states of mind.  To be in heaven you only need to open your heart to that Power that Creates Worlds.  Partner up with the Creator.

Just to sum up what Phil Good was saying:  Ego is the attention we have for those sparkly things in life.  Each day is full of those things that grab our attention.  Ego is listening to those harmful messages that are all about judgement.   We are either putting ourselves up or down compared to someone else.  There will always be comparisons.  Others are taller, shorter, rounder, thinner, smarter, dumber, less educated, less satisfied with their love life or more satisfied.  There is a very long list with comparisons. We are so distracted with things that just don’t matter.   To make it more personal: I was dysthymic most of the time.  All I needed was to connect with my Higher Self and have unconditional love for myself and others.  That one sentence seems easy but getting past the ego takes a great deal of focus.

 

Chapter 32 SPS. To Grow More Lovely Inside and Out

 

This might be a Ted Talk someday down the road.  That would be lovely.

                                            

 My frustration with losing weight has been on going but today I am celebrating small successes in how I feel.  Overall, I feel more energetic and I have made some  lifestyle changes. The scale (pounds) used to wreck my day, but now I do not allow it to be my only measurement. Today I did weigh. I gained 2 pounds, but I now have developed a questionnaire for myself. Now I like to rate my happiness and overall energy. I look to applaud myself with small achievable goals. Examples: Did I take my Youngevity products, do Yoga and Zumba today? Did I stick to my Keto eating plan? I really love the food on that plan. What would I most like to do today?  Learn Today?  And who do I want to touch today? Touch means reach out to and is not a romantic touch necessarily. Many times my touching or reaching out is random and accidental and perhaps all the more sacred for me. I like to play with the Universe. To play I summon all the love I feel for humanity and send it out like a boomerang and I am quite sure it will return to me with many blessings. With all that love and joy perhaps my weight loss will pale and not be such an obsession.  Lately I have been gifted with information. 

 I watched a documentary on You Tube called "why thin people stay thin".  These people can eat anything and they were doing an experiment to try and gain weight. They could not even gain weight.  When they started eating more calories their metabolism would increase.  The participants liked sports and walking, however they were asked to refrain from working out and walking too.  Yes, and they did not gain weight.  Weight loss is not just about calories in and out;  it is all about metabolism and maintained energy. 

Being over weight means there are other issues.  The first thing I am doing is focusing on my overall health.  I could starve and then fall and break bones and a hip replacement too. Having the goal of the scale showing 90 pounds cannot be the end all be all. My organs would shut down if I starve and I would have no vitality.  They say that anorexic people cannot get thin enough. I hate that the fashion industry has created that sort of image for women. I think they are trying to change that standard. 

I had a dream that I was dating several different men (but not being promiscuous) and I had some curves.  In fact I was probably 30 pounds overweight.  I looked so happy and radiant.  I was having fun and I was genuinely laughing (as opposed to fake laughing).  In this dream I was dancing with the occasional hip bump and I could really bump pretty good. I seemed to have positive self-worth. Wonderful dream to remember.  

I wonder if those trying to out do Twiggy ever thought about longevity and being an uplifting personality.  They say beauty is as beauty does.  Another saying about personality is this: Beauty is consciousness.  Being conscious is enlightenment and knowing who you really are.  In esteeming yourself you will esteem others. Personality is very important in the dating world. 

One day a lady handed me a book. (she must have been an angel).  The name of it was Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz.  Dr. Maltz was a very wise plastic surgeon.  He was realizing there was a huge piece of self image that has nothing to do with how someone really looks. Looks are subjective anyway. Dr. Maltz would transform deformed faces into something pleasing to the eye.  There was a problem with the perception of the owner of that face; they clung to the belief they were still grotesque and unlovable. Beliefs die hard. Dr Maltz would have his patients put the words "I LOVE YOU" on their bathroom mirror as one step to unconditional self-love.  

If someone wishes to improve their appearance and perhaps get a make over. The makeover might need to be an inside job first.  The first thing might be to be kinder to yourself,  forgive yourself all wrong doings as well as forgive others. Don't starve. Find health food that you love so there is not a feeling of deprivation.  Know that we are all precious and our real self is literally divine. Unfortunately we have bought into the criticism and judgements of others.  I remember how critical my mother could be towards me and other people. I observed that she did not like herself very much either.  Some people thought she was very pretty.  She absolutely did not appreciate herself the way others did. She was very pretty.

I was 16 years old when that lady,  who was a stranger, handed me Dr. Maltz's book. That was a miracle that I needed.  I had been looking for answers, and I was starting to find all those resources too. The Universe does help those who help themselves. It was a miracle the way literature fell into my lap.  In the beginning I could not believe that I could achieve things but the end game I wanted was possible.  

That is one thing that is fundamental to realizing dreams. When working towards self actualization and personal fulfillment: believe it is possible.  I was listening to Sheila Gillette say:  Stop waiting for the other shoe to drop and dont believe that you cannot succeed.  The belief that you can do it is just as possible and probable.  I think life has smacked all of us at times.  We believed that we were a shoe in for a job or a raise or an award of some sort.  We tried and did not get it.  Abraham Lincoln ran many times for the senate prior to winning.  Walt Disney could not get a loan for his vision of Disneyland but finally someone gave him a chance.  So we all know those rags to riches stories.  And if not this life time, surely the next.  Why not believe in yourself?  The one piece of advice Abraham/Ester Hicks gives to people is:  Don't share your dream with others.  Often times well meaning others can rain on our dreams. Keep them safe within you. Break dreams up into those doable pieces and celebrate each time you get a bit closer. 

 Ask to see yourself differently.  You might see the sparkle in your eyes that can light up the room if you can perceive yourself differently.  Sometimes we get comfortable with putting ourselves down.  Lift yourself up because you are somebody and you have gifts.  Just ask to see them.  

A recap:  

Measurable goals can be as simple as creating a check list for each day. Try creating a Likert Scale. It can have any amount of numbers like from one to ten.  Did you take a walk today and how good is your frame of mind? Check it off. Today I did do my Yoga, check, and I meditated, check,  and I would say I am at a 9 in my happiness level. Also, I would say I followed my Keto diet 70%. In a column I might comment on what I could do to make it 85% tomorrow. That is motivational interviewing of myself, and it does create insight.  Maybe using a bathroom scale is not the way to go in the beginning. Usually someone's weight will fluctuate and that can be frustrating.  In time those pounds will just fly away without much thought.    

Look for ways to improve your self image. It might be a new hair style or getting your teeth whitened?  Try on clothes that fit and flatter. If you need consensus then ask a friend to shop with you. Most of looking good is the way you feel about yourself.  If your goal is weight loss, then you will want to celebrate all those small changes.  Look at overall health as being a great place to start.  You could end your life early if being scary thin is your goal. My newest goal is just having fun and being confident for all the many things I can do well.  Having fun might be doing some Zumba for 10 minutes a day, reaching out to a friend,  buying some flowers for my home and of-course, blogging.  I love to write.  Some people create a fun list.  Not a bad plan. 

People who are overweight often have other health issues. For me, I am diabetic and finding ways to manage that has been key to lightening the weight I carry. I have already written a great deal on type 2 diabetes. I have a theory that diabetes exits prior to the weight gain and not the other way around. It was discovered that I had gestational diabetes when I was at a normal weight. Also, I believe the infant formula my mom gave me had too much sugar in it.  My mom was not encouraged to breast feed her children.  That was how things changed in the 40's and 50's.  Sugar was in everything.  Did they know? Did they really know how toxic Fluoride was prior to adding it to our water sources? It is proven to lower IQ.  Did the powers that be desire to dumb us down and make us all diabetic?  I have read about operation paperclip.  That would be a whole other essay.  Obesity, Arthritis and Diabetes have become epidemic in the USA and they are all related as well as heart problems.  It is as though there was a master plan.  I don't have to be part of an evil master plan.  In the end all things right themselves.  Knowledge is gained as well as self mastery.  Those guys that tried to dumb us down get to live in the bed they made. 

  I am taking some supplements developed by Dr. Wallach, that give me energy. They give me the right sort of energy from vitamins and trace minerals. It is not that jittery 10 cups of coffee feeling. I just love it. According to Wallach's assessments, the first thing to do was to quit bread.  Gluten is not my friend and it is keeping me from absorbing nutrients. I had to find many of my own answers to living and loving my way to health.  Educating yourself is key to turning things around. There is help with that available.  I am one resource. 

  Once you have better energy, the weight will just drop off.  I remember Ricki Lake, star of Hairspray, saying "they had to feed me milkshakes because I was dancing and loosing so much weight".  It seems criminal that Hollywood producers starve or fatten up actors for the parts they play.  Is anything more important than your body?  Without health there is little you can do but complain. Richard Simmons, fat loss guru, said "food use to be the only friend I had" and that really leads to loneliness.  I read Richard Simmons book years ago, Never Say Diet.  I might be paraphrasing on what I read so do not quote me verbatim.  I love Richard Simmons.

I am recapping but I must add this part. 

  One thing I would love to say to Richard is this:  Get some Dr. Wallach's plant derived minerals and take them.  Richard does Sweating to the Oldies exercise videos. All that sweating is good for the heart, except people loose lots of electrolytes and other minerals when they sweat.   Trust me that will wear out a body and a person might feel worse than their couch potato friends.  Just a little bit of well earned wisdom from me. I developed an auto immune disease from all the activity I was doing. As a young adult I was working and in college and then dating until 3 am sometimes.  I did not know much about nutrition.  I got really sick and was in bed for about 6 weeks.  It was probably mononucleosis. It might be Epstein bar,  but it would come back if I was not careful.  Now they say it probably was Fibromyalgia.  That is the disease of our time.  I went to a Rheumatologist to receive a diagnosis but they did not have a cure for it.  I did discover my cure.  I still have to be careful.   

Ask the Universe to help you see yourself differently. Most people have taken on the perceptions and criticisms of other.  I love Abraham/Ester Hicks and Sheila Gillette as gurus on my relationship to myself.  That is the primary relationship.  There are many other life coaches and self help authors regarding this subject.  

I am at chapter 32 and close to finishing my book.  I am so excited.  Hope you all get something worth while out of what I am writing. 

If you need help visualizing and designing a path to weight loss or another health goal please reach out. I do free health evaluations and do recommend products.  I am here for you. 

just visit my website: 

Angel Bells Guidance