How did this begin? I remember that buzz and spin in my head as the anesthetic went into my vein. This was minor surgery and no one had considered any real risk would apply to me. As a healthy young mother, 32 years old, there were no medical issues to cause concern. As I lay there in recovery, I knew someone was calling my name over and over and over. I simply did not want to come back to consciousness. When my name was called the last time, I was arguing with God.
The Almighty was present in light and in a fatherly voice that seemed to come from everywhere. In my experience he did not have a face or human form but He was superb debater. The debate was an emotional plea on my part: I was begging not to be returned to my sleeping body. I had been very unhappy for quite a while. I would argue," I don't want to leave you now that I have found you." God would reply, "I can be with you there (the physical world) too. You are the one who must open the door." Now, I wonder why I had not opened the door before. Maybe I was simply unaware that action was required on my part. Maybe I was not cognizant of my own free will and the need to take affirmative action. But, Here I was swimming in the ecstasy and joy of love fulfilled.
There was no more suffering; the love I had hungered for was filling me to the brim. Along with drinking in this delicious love, I was also in total awareness of who I was. During my incarnation as Nancy, I only knew myself the way others had perceived me. It is amazing to see yourself so clearly.
Perhaps the most incredible part was acknowledging a relationship that seemed primal, ancient and crucial. In my present theology of God, I would tell people that I believed in a "Higher Power". God was over yonder somewhere in the universe, remotely interested in me. This new presence was intimately involved with my true self. I felt so lucky to be experiencing all this and did not want it to ever end! As I pleaded to stay, I was greeted with the kindest of explanations: I was told, by God, that He would be there (back home in the real world) also. I was thinking that it would not be the same. The answer went something like this: Open the door. Ask for this, remember this. You will not be alone.
I did not want to go back and face the many challenges in front of me. My marriage was on the rocks and I had two small children. There appeared to be no easy answers to my dilemma. My God, understood, that it was not a walk in the park. It was emphasized that I should not miss out on any experience because, the opportunities are golden. I was shown something of the future. It was like a movie of my life movie fast forwarded. I can remember very little except that it satisfied me that I would surmount my present obstacles and even taste some highly treasured moments as well. I did get the feeling this is not something I want to miss. Looking back on this conversation I realize my version of God was a very skilled debater. I was not going back real easy. This last discourse was the easiest to remember, because God and I were being interrupted by someone calling my name. It really bugged the crap out of me that she kept calling my name. I was sure I might just snap at that poor nurse once I was awake.
When I opened my eyes, the nurse was enveloped in a halo... and I looked at her and said, oh, you are just so beautiful. She smiled. I could almost hear her thoughts: they all say the strangest things when coming out of surgery. I could feel that she thought of herself as average looking and not all that attractive. I grabbed her hand and looked deep into her soul and said, "you really are beautiful!" She teared up just a little and walked out of the room. Everyone I looked at seemed so wonderful. I had the deepest felt love for them.
When I got home and held my two little boys in my arms, I felt so very lucky for their presence in my life. I then started to feel a bit guilty... I was ready to leave them. That was 20 years ago. Many of Life's "golden moments" have been experienced and I think there are some yet up the road for me. There are good days and bad days. This one experience happens to trump all other experiences as being unique and life changing. I will not open this to debate about the validity of my experience. Was it an illusion? The fact that it still sends goose bumps up my spine and to this day makes me a little "home sick" for that other world, speaks to its validity. And yes, the "Door is wide open" since that day.
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